Today was the first day in a long time that I didn’t talk to him. Last night when I gave him everything that I could, tried everything that I knew to start conversation, drained myself emotionally and physically, he cut me out. Again. For a long time now he had been my first good morning and last goodnight, little did I know how empty it would feel when one morning I decided to not text first, that he wouldn’t even try. Last night, drowning in my overwhelming feelings, I decided to delete his number and erase every trace of him on my phone. My mind kept wandering to the thought that how could I possibly be so close to someone I’d never met? So, I decided to go to the beginning, replay my sins from the very start.
It was raining, hard, and my friends and I had decided to go watch a live music performance that day. Indy was going to get my pass because she knew someone in the organising committee, but when we reached there she told me that the pass is not only unavailable but non-existent, no one in the whole organisational committee had even heard my name, less got me a pass. So I waited at the entrance in the pouring rain for 45 minutes, cracking jokes aimed bitterly at Indy’s carelessness, when the person standing there, checking tickets suddenly remembered that someone had said something about giving a pass to a girl around my age. Maybe it was his sheer annoyance with us or maybe it was my sheer luck because there were tones of girls my age everywhere around us, that he handed Kaizad Khanna’s pass to me. Super proud of ourselves, we stole someone’s umbrella and sprinted toward the auditorium. We reached in time for the next show, in fact 15 minutes early, but those 15 minutes were enough for you, weren’t they?
I glanced down at my phone, which was surprisingly erupting with a sudden burst of messages. I sighed as Zainab sneered at me, she told me that she had added me to a Whatsapp Group. Zainab had recently moved to another school, bringing her to meet a whole new group of people and she felt that it was only fair if I had to meet them too.
I scrolled through the whole chat and noticed at least a dozen unknown numbers staring in a conversation with more than dozen types of swear words. I glanced at Zainab and raised an eyebrow. Most of the people in the group were guys and coming from a girls’ school, it excited me and scared me at the same time. I knew only 3 or 4 of the 31 participants and that made me feel cool; I had been added onto a group that had a majority of boys and people I didn’t now. Out of the pride and sudden gutsiness I decided to join in mid conversation:
AYUSH- “Shut up okay! You love me ”
ALEX-“Ha ha, rightttt bro”
ME- “Lol no, I bet that even your mother and girlfriend don’t love you”
YOU- “Don’t talk to me, you don’t even know me”
*YOU LEFT THIS WHATSAPP GROUP*
What a sissy, I’d thought, little did I know that that little text would haunt me forever. I showed Zainab how I had dissed a guy on my first day on that group and watched as her face visibly paled. The breath in my throat hitched as learned what a rude and insensitive thing I had just done. She told me that his girlfriend just dumped him that day and his mother passed that month.
The band picked up in a sudden burst, and even though it was lively and exciting, it seemed melancholic to me.
I had messaged you privately that very moment and apologised profusely. From that very moment I knew that we were going to be friends, great ones, and from that very day I been there for you, always.
We talked about school, about your friends, about your football team, about how much you loved kids, about your haircuts and about your girlfriend. We talked about you and I didn’t mind, because at least we talked. Sometimes I would get mad at how jealous your girlfriend would get, but that’s a story for another day. Our conversations, however insignificant started meaning the world to me. Sometimes I would send you snippets of my writing, poems and art work but you would always react with things like, “nice”, “cool”, “that’s deep, bro” and I didn’t take your lack of praise to the heart, it only encouraged me to keep writing better, to impress you, until you told me that you weren’t going to read it anymore because it was too long, that’s when realised that if people were givers and takers, you would be a thief and I would continue to give you my heart, my soul, my mind and everything in between without a thought otherwise.
To me you were an escape, but to you I was merely another face in the crowd.
You spoke to me when you were bored and I was bored when I wasn’t speaking to you. In a few months, you became my priority while in your mind I was still the girl who decided to intrude on your personal life via the internet. People have told me that I have a habit to make myself the victim, but you never told me how you felt.
Today was the first day not talking to you in a long time, it felt like my heart had been on drugs the entire time and was now having withdrawal symptoms. But it is true, isn’t it? People are like drugs they make you addicted to the way they make you feel. And you made me feel special, like I mattered to you, but you made everyone feel like that, didn’t you?
I deleted your number and decided that I was done trying, done trying to always fix things and realised that it is only so far that someone can go around fixing things until they become broken too. So, thank you, thank you for finally breaking me and I know that it’s disgusting but I still hope that somewhere my broken parts will somehow find your broken parts and someday, maybe, we could form a complete and beautiful whole. I still think that you could love me like I love you, but hey, what do I know?
~ Yours until oblivion,